How do you know you are pucca pure maha Naga?

Here are some of your Naga-nesses
•    You just can’t get over with lovingly blowing your guest’s plate of steaming hot rice to cool it.
•    Somehow every unworldly ‘food’ – from smoked frogs and snails, caterpillar grub to bats and river beetles to your neighbor’s Alsatian – always seem to have medicinal value of some sort.
•    Curiously, you’ve never heard of pork, beef or fish having any.
•    You do at least recognize the guitar chords ‘G’, ‘D’ and ‘C’.
•    You are either Korean or American. If you’re neither, you are Japanese.
•    And, if you are none of the three, you’re Bosti...
•    Someone blabbers “illegal immigrant”, and “Bangladeshi” is the first thing that pops to your head.
•    A white formal shirt with Adidas track-pants is still the coolest combo ever.
•    Not to think of ‘Nike’ white Tee with your favorite Mekhala for church.
•    You still haven’t come around to realizing that there is a world of difference between “half-pants” and Boxers.
•    You travel the town in your Boxers and still don’t realize they are underwear.
•    Some guy utters “Naga identity” and boring official functions come to your mind.
•    A lovingly-packed slab of Akhuni/dried Bastenga/Anishi is still the most thoughtful gift for your female relatives when they call on you.
•    Doesn’t matter how many tandoori chicken or plates of chow/momo you have vanquished at the wedding/party — you still demolish two plates of Naga rice at home.
•    You still cannot get over with automatically blaming the state government for everything.
•    You still find Nagaland police personnel quaint and funny.
•    No matter the bitterness, anger and frustration at the injustices and deaths and horseshit in Nagaland, you’ll rarely dare speak your opinion by writing to newspapers.
•    If you do it at all, it’ll be under an appallingly obvious pseudonym.
•    After everything that you’ve endured through, you still cannot muster enough courage to use words other than “national worker” openly.
•    Your house is submerged in calendars from hundreds of unions.
•    No matter how successful a professional you are, you still wince slightly knowing your Naga brethren is still unimpressed that you’re not doing “government service” but is working “private.”
•    You’re irreversibly convinced that NPSC sucks big time – but you still keep appearing for its exams every single year.
•    You already hog a good job, but you still keep pulling a shot at the NPSC every year.
•    You still blink why “non-Nagas” always figure 95% on the HSLC/HSSLC Top 20 but never say it anyway
•    Your parents have suggested “NPSC” at least once in your lifetime.  
•    You religiously pay about 100 kinds of taxes – from salary “percentage” deductions to colony memberships – but you’ve practically never heard of something called ‘water bill.’
•    You have cursed the Power department at least once in your lifetime.
•    You have at least one memory attached to a song from Boney M’s ‘White Christmas’ album.
•    Your Christmas usually starts from October 2nd week.
•    Christmas Day is December 24th’s night.
•    You rig up a mosquito net – and burn coils and vaporizers simultaneously.
•    You still can’t help turning to stare at a woman driver. Twice.
•    Your mobile phone always seems to have “network” only in places teeming with people.
•    You thought “Oking” was a sub-division in Kohima district.
•    You hate tribal innuendos but still cannot help following up the introduction with the classic: ‘So, which tribe are you from?’
•    In almost every new encounter, “Bhaat khai shay” seems to be the classic ice-breaker.
•    Something bad happens and naturally a particular Naga tribe comes to your mind for you to blame.
•    Something bad happens and your first question is “which tribe?”
•    Your blinding-white dog is named either Blackie or Brownie. Inevitably.
•    You never throw away empty soft drinks plastic bottles — they make wonderful water bottles.
•    You never check MRP.
•    You bargain even on items that promise 90% discount.
•    You never avail of free gifts or discounts on goods
•    You read it only at home – and blame the shopkeeper of cheating you.
•    Someone lands an awful ‘boil’ and you naturally conclude it’s because he never bathes.
•    You are reminded of doctors and something called ‘hospital’ only when you’re barely hanging onto life.
•    You meet a stranger and discover he’s a distant cousin from somewhere down 4 generations spanning several tribes and villages.
•    When on a date, your girlfriend/boyfriend is always a “cousin” of some sort.  
•    You cringe serious time when somebody utters “condom” but you religiously swear “Laaoou-raa!” even in front of your pastor.
•    You go ‘aaaaa-haaa!’ when power goes off, and jubilate with a resounding ‘Yaaaay!’ when it’s restored – in chorus with other approximately 14 Lakh Nagas across Nagaland.

 

 

To read Al Ngullie’s other published Music Reviews on bands from Nagaland, Naga musicians and artistes among others, please visit http://alngullie.blogspot.com/ 
Write to him at alngullie@yahoo.com | alngullie@gmail.com