A Happy beeping New Year to you!

 (PS: The printing machine failed to recognize and encode the expletives here. They turned out translated as ‘Beeps’ :)

For us irrepressible, inimitable Nagas, the high spirits of Christmas have finally sobered (no pun intended); the noise and malarkey of general idiocy are now settled into the familiar reality of school admissions, form-fill-ups and money-hunting and worry. Ah-ha, I realize it’s now time to take a bath too…
God bless 2010. Things been really tough for me, you know. Serious time tough. Tough times are so not cool, I dislike them major time. The best part is, we have an electric heater at home. That made things easier. What about you? Or are you still looking for your favorite old Jacket underneath those layers of no-bath-for-two-months? Only freaking thing, the insufferable winter ‘moila’ on me demanded only Steelwool and nothing else. And our beloved Nagaland this winter has been quite grumpy.
You have come across the wise old jungle saying about the guy who, after a brutal winter, finally took a bath – he found a sweater and jacket from his school days. Lucky guy. I’m still searching for my birthday suit…
Neway, what are your New Year resolutions, dear? For those of you who’ve never heard of New Year resolutions, here’s it: New Year resolutions are basically a set of highly complicated theories that you pledge every New Year to practice only the next New Year.
Me, I am a good New Year’s resolution-keeper. I have been keeping the resolutions I made 25 years ago every year. My favorite is the one that says ‘I’ll certainly keep my resolutions this year.’ So much a favorite that it’s been hanging out with me since them school days. See? Simple. I love the small things in life. Makes things less complicated, you know.

Enough of rant. Here’s some important advice you gotta keep to make your New Year totally happening. Remember these are exclusive words of wisdom (you won’t find them on Twitter I mean):  
•    If you’re a Naga, start thinking. Our state today is a pile of steaming bullbeep for a Beeping too long because we’ve reacted only with our silence. Go join a blog or write to your newspapers or something. Just open the hole in that face. Start thinking, you pansy-beeped Twink.
•    Stand up. Go tell those Beeping small-time thieves you elected as your government leaders that they are just antiquated, Cached, Cookied, dried lumps of Beeping goat shit. They are the Spam of our society, our people our future.
•    Get your English and Grammar right. You call someone who takes your hard-earned money away, an ‘Extortionist’ not a “tax collector,” you thieving piece of national beep…
•    Please inform your Dads, that customary law is as dead as the damned Dodo. Inform yer Pop that those so-called Naga customary laws are as pansy-assed as your government up there in Kohima.
•    If your dad is a Minister/MLA/politician, please inform him that ‘his’ Lakhs and Crores ought to have gone into exploring prospects, designing avenues and creating industry linkages to create job avenues – and not into your college fees and discos…
•    Hey kid, cool car there – your dad’s? Drive gently, slowly and respectfully and respectably. We common people are caught in the struggle for survival. We are not watching out for you to drive by.
•    Price rise; corruption; extortionists and politicians who have stashed away your dad’s salary’; manipulation of welfare policies by vested interests – you know all these beeping illnesses are deepening in the Naga’s land. And they are affecting you even if you cannot darn see it. How come the only comments you make are on Facebook photos and Statuses?
•    Let’s tell our students’ organization and so-called “educated” unemployed people that no person who is truly educated is unemployed. It ought to be literate-unemployed people not ‘educated’ unemployed. Twerps. “Educated-unemployed.” Gosh.
•    Show me one person in Nagaland who is truly educated but is unemployed. And I’ll show you the biggest beeping liar in this whole darned universe.
•    Dear Naga gourmet, your meat is killing our wildlife. And our dogs too. As well as your neighbor’s yummy pet cat.
•    Go do your own, original, self-created, exclusive stuff: I’m so embarrassed that you get your Ego-strings twanged so proudly because some novice called you a “legendary” Naga rock band – you’d been playing covers for 20 years! Gosh.
•    Let get our Math right here – you don’t tell the business community to decorate and paint their establishments for Christmas when no similar order is issued for Durga Puja or Diwali.
•    Ban crackers – but only during Durga Puja and Diwali, dear Nagas. Not during Christmas. Nice call, you petty, hypocritical Baptist twinks.

More words of wisdom in the next issue…

(Thank you, with all my heart, to all of you my esteemed Readers here and abroad for placing me among Google’s top indexes. It is because of your constant encouragement that I am learning to grow as a journalist, but more importantly, as a person. Thank you so much and may God bless you.)

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