Atongla Rothrong
An unwed mother is faced with a dilemma: should she confess that she has had a child? In Thomas Hardy’s famous novel ‘TESS’, the beautiful an innocent girl reveals her secret to her lover and husband Angel Clare, who leaves her in a huff. The relationship is broken forever.
What if she had a pregnancy? An abortion? A woman is not required to tell her past to her partner. Concealing it is not a sin. But the difficult decision rests with her. It is not merely a matter of conscience but also of her entire future. Many women may, however, like to be honest to avoid deception in relationships. Still, they are afraid that the double standards which favor men would expose them to desertion. In addition, near ones, friends and even so called well-wishers urge her to conceal her past. They feel that she is entitled to protection and privacy in order that she can start afresh, without stigma, shame and embarrassment.
No one can give a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ solution that works for all women faced with such problems. These situations can be complicated indeed and depend upon the maturity of the women and men involved.
Individual decisions are required in each case. It is unrealistic, for example, to suppose that her secret will not be found out. Bad news spread rapidly. It must be expected that sooner or later the other partner will hear whispers and she will face the music on two fronts- shady past and concealing it. For the partner to learn from other sources may prove too much for his ego.
There are women who cannot endure the strain of keeping their lips sealed about an experiment or incident which has had a profound effect on their emotional and physical well being. To keep such a secret might create strong tension and anxiety along with considerable conflicts.
For some of these women, shouldering such a conflict may in time become an intolerable burden. There are others who, because they feel that they have sinned, may feel unworthy to enjoy the love of their partner, and may punish themselves unconsciously.
While intellectually, the unwed mother may be able to accept the fact that she is doing the best thing, she may have difficulty accepting this emotionally. All the more complicated and more destructive is the case of the newly-married women who is already pregnant at the time of her marriage. She is an unwed bride and would be unwed mother. This relationship carries the seeds of stark tragedy.
Sentila (name changed) was two months pregnant. She had concealed the fact from her parents and meanwhile tried to coax her lover into marrying her, but the mamas’ boy said ‘my mother does not agree’. She fearing ignominy of exposure ended her life. Even the parents were brought to light about the reason for her suicide only after her death.
There is probably no way of knowing just how many unwed mothers have suffered regret and frustration for their thoughtless, immature actions. But it can be assumed that, as the number of unwed mothers coming from respectable or middle-class homes raises, so will the occurrence of guilt reaction and emotional torment.
What about the other partner? Can he digest his woman’s shady past? Can he treat her as being innocent? Many cannot handle this situation. We may call them immature, unwise or emotionally crippled but they use this knowledge to punish the other partner. Some prospective partners may readily accept the confessions in an understanding manner but they will be hurt and disturbed in some core of their heart.
Therefore if the unwed mother has succeeded in resolving any conflicts she might have, she should feel no compunction about revealing her past, unless it is bound to come out anyway. Often, women who stray into the socially forbidden territory invent arguments in their favor; the heart has its reasons which reason does not know.
Prevention is the only way she can escape all that goes with unwanted pregnancy. How far can you go when you look upon sex as a sensible expression of love? Whatever your defenses, it remains a matter of principles, question of values as well as practicalities.
It is worthwhile sorting out your value and deciding what you should do or not do by going into self-introspection. Remember Murphy’s Law: If things can go wrong, they will.
