RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat said the smoke from firecrackers of earlier times helped kill insects and pests. I read this to my neighbour, who was standing on his balcony, coughing. He came indoors, shut the window and asked, “Do you suppose the mosquito got to hear the speech?”
By evening, in my imagination, the ruling party had called a press conference to explain the benefits of all the things I’d been foolish enough to complain about.
A spokesman took the microphone and congratulated the nation on its low ranking on the hunger index. “Should we ever go to war with China and get beaten,” he said, “our people will already know how to go without a meal.”
“Will the Cabinet be joining them in this training?” I asked.
“The Cabinet,” he said, looking at his watch, which showed 4 pm in the afternoon, “is still at lunch.”
A second spokesman explained the benefits of putting intellectuals in prison. “Think of the distractions we’ve removed for them so they can spend time in deep thought,” he said. “No university meetings, no students knocking on the door, no invitations to television debates. Give a man ten years of that and imagine what he’ll come up with.”
“When do we get to read it?”
“As soon as we decide whether the manuscript warrants another ten years.”
A third gentleman rose to explain how polarisation was doing wonders for minorities. “When people have to work twice as hard for equal rights, they develop perseverance,” he said. “Imagine the national character we’re building.”
“Why keep all that character building for the minorities?” I asked. “Surely the majority deserves a turn?”
He looked down at his notes. Apparently, the majority had already developed enough character to decide who needed more.
Then came the man in charge of corruption. He was the only one who spoke without notes. “Every time a clerk asks you for a little something to move your file, he’s giving you a reason to earn more,” he said. “Multiply that by the number of desks your file has to cross and you’ll see why we need a large bureaucracy.”
“Can I have a copy of that calculation?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said with smile. “But there’s a small charge. In cash.”
By now the smoke outside had drifted into the hall. The first spokesman coughed, the second asked for water, and the third went looking for a window. A reporter asked whether the government would at least issue an advisory about the air. The chairman said he would take one last question.
Just then the chairman’s son walked on to the stage coughing. The chairman jumped up, held his son tightly and asked the peon to fetch a glass of water.
“A little smoke will toughen him up,” I said.
“Don’t be ridiculous, he’s only a child,” said the chairman looking at me angrily.
“So were many of the children in your hunger index…!” I whispered.
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