Chongboi Singson
Kohima
Do you spend your time thinking about life? Do you ever try to find out its meaning and what it is all about? Apparently, it is my favorite thing to do though it is the thing that leaves me with nothing but a series of questions. Do you ever think what real success and happiness could mean? I have sat down a thousand times, lost in my own thoughts as I think about life. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find its meaning. You overcome one challenge and you think that is it. But before you know, you are already fighting another battle. It makes me question whether success and happiness exist or they are just temporary friends. We all want to live our lives to the fullest while performing our duties and enjoying life as well. At times, we forget who we are and we don't know what's going on in our lives. We feel like we're living inside a maze. There are so many questions one tries to answer but in the end, we find ourselves becoming an even more confused human. Daniel Klein rightly said, "Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it". Life. What a beautiful yet intriguing word!
Lang Leav, a beautiful writer once wrote, "I can see it so clearly- the greater plan. I understand that I am both the architect and tenant of my destruction. I can feel it so acutely in my chest like an ache in my chest, knowing ultimately that I am locked in a chain of events that I cannot stop, an outcome I cannot falter, feeling at once helpless yet hopelessly awed by the power of my part in this beautiful, brutal expression of the universe".
As you grow older, you want more and more in life. When you were young, everything was simple. You didn't have much in mind and all you cared about was to play until you get tired and eat until you filled your stomach. Now, those things are at the bottom of our lists. As a child, I had dreams. I always thought having a dream to become someone great was the ultimate aim of living life on earth. Achievements are essential to leave a mark- that's what I've always thought and what I'm thinking right now. Perhaps, those dreams have pushed and brought me this far. It has been a rollercoaster ride so far. Nevertheless, I've kept moving on believing that I'll get there soon. But where? What are these feelings I feel? I've come this far despite the odds yet I don't feel like I've won. All I can see whenever I look back are the things I've lost on the way and not what I've gained.
We are constantly chasing after goals that we have set for ourselves and all we have learnt is how to be successful. Now, the question here is- Does success mean happiness? I guess our answers would differ from one another. Life is both simple and complicated. It demands us to set goals, work towards it and once you achieve it, you are on your way towards a new one. At times, it becomes too heavy a burden to carry and it feels like we have no time to stand and stare. There are days when I feel so small and insignificant. I am not sure of my identity and what I want to be. I am still young and I have a long way to go with a lot to learn. Yet I feel like I am already old and I haven't done enough. Do we always need to prove ourselves? Does success really determine our worth? There are days when I ask myself what I really want to do in life. Am I just going along with the ways of the world or am I really choosing the path my heart really want? There is a flood of endless questions in my head as I try to figure them out one by one. What does living really mean? What should I do to avoid making wrong decisions and how should I start? How can I live without regrets? These are just a few among hundreds of questions. Sometimes, we get caught up looking at other people's lives. When I do that, I always wonder what would be going on in their lives and how well they are living. Are they confused and lost or do they have all the answers? I guess life is about seeking questions and answers at the same time.
Perhaps, I will never understand how life works. Maybe, I am looking for an answer that does not exist. I will continue to drown in a pool of confusions and I will try to swim my way out. There will be times when things happen with no logical explanations behind. I will have to force myself to accept them the way they are. There will be days when I cry and nights when I am unable to sleep. While trying to leave a mark in this world, I'll leave scars in my own heart and others' as well. There is a possibility that I will never understand the true meaning of success and how we can live happily. But I do know that there is a reason why I'm here. I guess that single reason will suffice all my doubts. The only thing I can do is bet everything I have on life and hope for the best as I prepare for the worst. Whatever we're going through as we tread on this path, I hope we will not give up on the way even if we fall down a thousand times. I hope we will not think less of ourselves no matter what happens. I hope we will emerge as winners who stood the test of time. I hope I will look back one day and smile at all these years which smell like "trouble" right now. JRR Tolkiens writes, "Not all who wander are lost". Perhaps, we are just still exploring and we are not lost.
The writer is a BA 5th Semester student in the Department of Political Science, Modern College, Kohima.
