As long as a woman can be bought or sold, no woman is free! (Maria Castenada)
“Who comes looking for you? Who visits you?” “We have all types of men visiting us; coolies from the railway platform, vendors and hawkers on the streets, pan shopkeepers in the market, auto drivers, army jawans to UGs, police personnel to drug users and alcohol users, big and small businessmen (within and out of Dimapur and state), government officials to students, we have all varieties of men. But whatever or whoever the men are, if they pay us money we are obliged to do as they tell us to. And at times, we also refuse to do as demanded. But not all of us have a choice; if money is needed desperately we are forced to do things against our will. What else do we do? We need money to help sustain our lives”. These are the voices of the women which society has created over the years but for whom there is no place in the “decent” society. I believe its time we put aside that giant sized mask of a hypocrite and face the reality instead of hiding behind the worn out mask.
This brings us to a question of these women for which “ polite” society has no place. Who is this woman? This woman is the ‘bad woman’, ‘the immoral woman’, ‘the public woman’, ‘the loose woman’, ‘the fallen woman’, ‘the whore’, ‘the prostitute’,’ the home breaker’, ‘the sex worker’, ‘the disease carrier and transmitter’ - every and any name that one can come up with, to shame and blame this ‘ indecent woman’. So then, if these women are all that society calls them, what do we call these men who visit the “branded woman”? Do we also attach the endless labels attached by us to the women to the men as well? Ironically in a society with double standard gender morality, the men visits them and steals back to their decent homes, communities, churches and to their public spaces and continues with their normal respectable live in a ‘decent and polite’ society while these women exist in their wild fantasies till their next secret visit to them.
Why do you think these men visit you? “Some come to us to experiment with deviant sex, unstraight sex which they see in the movies, magazines. They cannot do it with their wives so they come looking for women like us to experiment I think. Some come to satisfy their wants which their wives fail to fulfill they say. There are men who are not happy with their wives. Some men say that their wives are very boring. And maybe with some men, they have uncontrollable sex drive that they cannot avoid themselves as they are away from their wives or partners. Some young men come to experiment with, or to experience and see how others are doing it. Some come and do it just for the heck of it as they have money with them. Some come looking for free sex .There are travelers from other districts and state who comes to Dimapur for various reasons, business and work and spend lots of money. Poor fellows. And poor wives and children at home; they don’t know what their husbands/fathers are doing in Dimapur”
But, is it just physical or is there more to it than meets the eye? Are they looking for love? Are they looking for something, something that’s missing at home, their relationships? Or are they just like that, all these men who comes looking for sex for a price, do they only see women as commodities to be bargained over , bought and sold and abused ? Do they see women just as sexual objects? Perhaps some questions will remain unanswered, perhaps some answers are there for us to reflect and ponder upon. Some could be right, some could be wrong. Or perhaps some should not even be asked. Maybe its none my business to be posing all these uncomfortable questions. The very fact of women resorting to flesh trade is a clear reflection of the failures of the society, where each and every one of us is a part.
At the end of it all, some may be wondering, why is she writing all these? Why is she asking all these questions? Observation of the situation over the years, a great concern has emerged making me to write this. How do we ensure each one of us in society be responsible and behave responsibly? Irrespective of being a man or woman, HIV invades our human system if we are careless, ignorant, lacks self discipline. The virus does not differentiate nor care who is who, so long as it gets an entry point to invade, multiply and kill. I am writing this, not to condemn or to judge, (who am I to judge anyways?) or about who is right or is wrong, or who is moral or immoral but the point is to say that this is a reality in our society whether we like it or not, what we do and do not do will decide the well being of all of us. No matter how much we want to deny that our brothers are not doing this, our husbands are not doing this, our sisters are not doing this……, this is happening for all of us to see and admit and do something positive. But in this whole game of men and women and sex work, our society somehow overlooks men and justifies their action to go looking for pre marital or extra marital affairs sans hue and cry. But the woman is branded and society doesn’t give her much chance to decide for herself (and start life afresh) and be re-integrated into the community. What do we do about this?
And no matter how we look at it, and however much we’d like to wish them away, sex work/sex workers will always be there where there is a problem of drinks and drugs, poverty and faulty government system, dysfunctional families, political unrest, youth unrest and loss of work culture, patriachal double standard gender morality,etc etc. These are the some of the root causes. Collective effort towards uprooting the root causes is the only way to bring about changes if we really want. Can we at least let these women – who are out there for one reason or the other – lead a dignified life in their own way? If we can at least try and begin to understand them of why they are there (both the men and women) and be of some help in even the most insignificant way and if we are in position to do or say something positive, we can give it a try. But if not, let us at least not simply condemn or pass judgments, for it does not contribute towards any good. Our attitude problem creates more problem than it can possibly solve. Our judgmental attitude forces people to cheat, lie, hide, and do anything to escape public condemnation. This doesn’t in any way solve any problem, does it?.
What do we say, dear brothers, husbands, friends, uncles, fathers and grand fathers? Life is precious. Can we rethink and reflect on our actions, attitudes and lifestyles? Can we begin to re-look at our womenfolk with respect and dignity, no matter who/what she is? And dear sisters can we assert for a rightful place in the society and begin to reflect on our lives and value the worth of a woman?
(K. Ela)
(Anyone who wants to share their concern and opinion, thoughts, comments, suggestions, can email to ela_dks@yahoo.co.in)
