Recently, The Morung Express carried out an article on mental illness. I was so happy to read it, thanks to the intern who brought up a hushed up issue in our Naga Society. I am a mental illness patient myself and I would like to tell you my story. Why I am telling you my story is because Mental Illness is a hushed up topic in our society, it is very new to our society. There are many suffering silently and many are helpless. I hope this write-up helps you. I would like to narrate my story from the beginning so other mental illness sufferers can relate to me.
I was born and brought from a strict Baptist family. I considered eating supari a sin. My parents were strict disciplinarians. I was good at study at school and also participated in many extra-curricular activities in School. I was a devout Christian, a first bencher and a teacher’s pet. My parents had high hopes in me, not only my parents but my relatives. They all thought I would one day become an IAS Officer; to become an IAS Officer was hammered into my head.
I passed out class-12 with good marks and headed to Delhi but I got into a bad college. NBSE at that time was strict on the marking system and all of my friends who passed with 60%+ got into bad colleges and our CBSE Counterparts got into all the good colleges. My college was horrible, lecturers hardly came to class, there were no books in the library and on top of that I was a victim of racism. By B.A 3rd year I was disillusioned with life and I rebelled. By that time I was getting bouts of Insomnia. After my graduation I rebelled and became a proper bad boy, which I am not proud of today. I stayed back in Delhi for two more years to take up coaching but the rebel streak in me made me miss classes and I partied hard.
By that time I noticed something different in me, I used to get excited and stay up the whole night and lost sleep for even a week. My worst encounter with Insomnia was when I didn’t sleep completely for a month. Had I gone for psychiatric help that time, I would not be mentally ill today. It was no one’s fault, like I say mental illness is a new issue in our society. I tried civil service exam and I couldn’t clear prelims in my first two attempts, by that time one of my classmate had cleared his exam and was an EAC. I got really frustrated and depressed. To top it, I broke up with my girlfriend of six years (It was my fault) and I went into a terrible depression for two years.
Anyway I moved on and I could finally clear my prelims exam, I was elated but I noticed something was wrong with me. If only I had got medical help at those stages. I failed to clear the Mains exam and I went into depression again. I cleared my prelims exam twice after that and one time I missed the cut off by one and half marks. But something was wrong with me. I was obsessed with civil services exam, even while in the Church when the pastor was giving sermons I would think about the next book I should read. While having my meals also I would be thinking of the next paragraphs to read.
My illness got triggered finally one night. I was a huge fan of thriller movies. One night I watched “The Black Swan” and I really got disturbed but I went ahead and watched another thriller movie “The Secret Window” and I got triggered. That night as I went into my room, thoughts came like I was going to pick up the Machete (Dao) and hack my family to death. Harm OCD set in. For days thoughts of harming my loved ones disturbed me. I couldn’t understand it. Finally we realized I needed medical help and I visited a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with Harm OCD. Still I was hell bent on clearing the civil services exam and every time I sat down to study, I would get anxiety attacks. So I gave up on my civil service dream.
Besides my Harm OCD, something else was wrong with me. I would get into episodes where I would get super excited, super intelligent and felt invincible. Then again times would come where I felt low and depressed and would get anxiety attacks. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder as well. I tried on medicines for some few months and I got well, so I thought I would do well without medicines. Big Mistake, it made me worse.
I was 27 year old then (onset of my illness).
Today, I would not say, I am 100% healed but am on the road to recovery. I still get harm thoughts and go through hypo-mania episodes but it is manageable.
Why I am telling you my story is because there are many Nagas suffering silently and are in denial. Mental Illness is a treatable disease like any other diseases. Please get psychiatric help, if you are in Dimapur go to Civil Hospital where there is a good psychiatrist, psychologist and psychiatric social worker. My friends being an IAS, IPS, EAC or DySp is not everything. Just follow your passion, not everyone is meant to clear civil service exams. I see many people who are happy by following their passion and I know some people who cleared civil service exam but are not happy with it. God gave you passions, just follow it.
Some of the mental Illnesses I know are Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoid personality disorder, GAD, PTSD, Bulimia, Anorexia, ADHD and many more. If you are suffering from mental illness visit a psychiatrist as soon as possible.
Now looking back, I realized our family made being an EAC or DySp our Idol and we are told by God in the Bible to worship no other things but Him. Our God is a Jealous God, he wants our 100% attention. Now one of my classmates is an SDO (Civil) and four other friends are EACs but I realized that was their calling and destiny. God has made me for a different purpose.
If you need any advice here is my E-Mail add, GearLair@Gmail.com. Please contact me. I will end this article with a Bible Verse.
Psalm 27: 13-14 “I am still confident of this. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord: be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
Kevitho Kera, Dimapur
