Entirely by God’s grace and through the rehabilitation programme, I am clean today. I am grateful to be able to write my testimony and share it. I pray that it may be of some help and bring hope to someone like me, who once had no Hope.
My name is Sunep and I am third from among the youngest in a family of three brothers and five sisters. I was born and brought up in a Christian environment, where I was nourished with all the norms and principles of life. Unfortunately, my parents got divorced and I went through numerous traumas on account of their separation. I was 9 yrs old when my parents got divorced which left me shaken to the core of my life. I couldn’t maintain a normal balance in my life and all my sense of security and identity got lost. I was young but not too young to know how it hurts and devastating it is to live with the reality that the two people I loved most were no longer going to be together. I was afraid to face people and life itself.
From my childhood days, I had an addictive personality, with an active curiosity to experiment new things, have instant gratification and my self will run riot. Besides these, my growing up in a dysfunctional family environment was another major contributing factor for my addiction. I remember wanting to belong and be a part of the society but I felt and was stigmatized and hence discriminated simply because I had the misfortune of growing up with divorced parents. My family setting and the society’s attitude disheartened me and in my naivety, I began to strongly resent my dad for abandoning us. My resentment gradually turned into hatred for him and I initially justified my addiction because of him deserting me and for not giving the love and affection that my fellow friends seemed to enjoy. In my despair, I started seeking solace and escape in drugs and in indulging in it, I thought I had found the identity and acceptance that I had always craved for in the company of my fellow users.
At the age of fifteen, I started smoking and binge drinking, and thereafter, I eventually started indulging in hardcore drugs. During my initial using years, I was happy as it could numb my insecure feelings, made me better, more confident, gain acceptance and minimize all my problems. Thereafter, my whole world revolved around drugs and people associated with it.
Gradually, my addiction progressed and I became its slave. It was the beginning of my ordeal, my tumultuous, unpredictable and irrational lifestyle. All aspects of my live deteriorated; my studies, career and relationship but it made no impact on me because I was badly hooked by now. I went to any lengths in order to feed my habit, I started lying, stealing, conning and if these didn’t work, I would use threats and manipulate anyone/everyone that I knew. Apart from water and air, chemicals were the only things that made me survive. My personality became distorted, and like a chameleon, I could present myself in various colors and change my personality according to the situation and circumstances. Inspite of experiencing countless negative consequences due to drugging, I kept indulging in it and in retrospect, those years turned out to be the worst years of my life. However, I was lucky enough not to get into any trouble, be it with the law or with any societal authorities.
I tried to quit on my own, using various means and ways but it never worked out and I always ended up at square one. My life became so miserable with fear and feeling of worthlessness becoming a living part of me and I hated myself for what I had become. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to die. I wanted to live. However, I couldn’t seem to do either.
The turning point in my life was my crucial decision to get myself treated at the rehabilitation centre run by the Prodigals’ Home. At that juncture of my life, to fight off my addiction was a mountainous and Herculean task but I had reached such a stage that I was left with no one by my side and even my choice of chemicals couldn’t give the temporary solace to my untold miseries. I was so desperate and rehab was the only option left for me. My cousin and eldest sister got me admitted, much to my reluctance, on 10th April 2006 at the Detox unit, Prodigals’ Home. The detoxification period of eleven days was a nightmare and the pain I had to go through and fight against cannot be explained in mere words. Those days seemed to stretch on and on like decades.
On the 21st April 2006, with full of apprehension and confusion I landed up at After Care Centre where I was welcomed warmly by the bunch of recovering addicts. Life at the centre was never easy and smooth as there were so many challenges laid before me. Initially, I had lots of myths and misconceptions regarding the treatment programme and addiction, thus, I didn’t give much effort and most of the time took things and people for granted. Later, after going through the treatment programme and with the help of my fellow friends, I gradually realized and understood the exact nature of my problem, which actually lies within me and not in the drugs. From that point on, I stopped fighting and began to surrender my pride and ego to the treatment programme. I started working on the programme sincerely and fulfilled all the required criteria to complete my treatment course.
Completing the treatment course was never easy but again, leaving the safe environment of the centre without getting much support from family members and with no means of livelihood for my survival filled me with great dread for my future. Fortunately, I was provided with an opportunity to continue a follow-up treatment and later on, my commitment towards recovery, I believe, was the reason for the centre to have given me the privilege to be inducted as a trainee staff. Presently, I am working as a residential staff in the centre.
Today, when I reflect back my using years, I can say that a miracle did happen in my life. The credit for my recovery goes to the my centre, ex-counselors and not forgetting my fellow friends whose efforts made it possible what had otherwise seemed impossible to me. Of course, I can’t predict my future and what it holds for me but as long as I keep on working the recovery programme, I believe there is always hope for maintaining of my recovery and living a qualitative and productive life
I know the road ahead of me is not smooth and even today, despite being clean for some years, I’m still fighting another bigger battle, i.e. not to feel disheartened when people and society still look upon me with doubt and suspicion with their accusing eyes telling me that I’m an addict and always will be an addict. At the same time, I’m encouraged and motivated by my friends and relatives, who knew me inside out, and despite my past history, for placing their trust in me and in the changes that my life has undergone. All I know is that recovery from addiction is possible, despite of people’s prejudices, and even individuals like me have every avenue and opportunity to contribute to the welfare of the society.
( SUNEP)
