Noel Manuel
There are actually only two experiences that we have with ‘time.’ How we choose to spend it or how we choose to earn from it. As in the case of money, we also use the principal verb ‘spend’ along with time. We all love spending. Be it money or time. We can spend any amount of it on the things that please us. Earning out of ‘it’ is a delicate and enduring task.
We all love our kids and very often, among other things, we use money and time to testify of this relationship. At times, we can stretch the limits of money with our kids. With time, it may not be the same. It is a known fact that much of our time is taken up at our place of income, leaving us with little or no opportunity to earn from time with our children. But this is no excuse to deprive the child from a parental responsibility. If we truly love our kids, the basic responsibility of us parents, is to gift them time. And that too ‘quality time.’
A 40-year-old widower had sent away his two beautiful daughters to a boarding school after he lost his wife in a car accident. He was aware of the fact that he would not be able to gift his children ‘quality time.’ He knew how much they deserved this right and acknowledged this fact. Gradually, as the weeks turned to months, the separation proved too hard to endure. The God-fearing software engineer withdrew the children the following year; set up an office at home and began earning quality out of the time he spent with his kids. How many of us are prepared to change our course from money to time?
Our love for our children is eternal and unconditional. And very often we try to influence this affection with money. It is very rare that we attempt to influence this affection with time. And if at all, we do spend time with our kids, we need to ascertain how much of ‘quality time’ we have shared.
Spending time and earning from time are two different things. In our own personal experiences, we have learnt how our families stand to gain when we look to earn out of time that we spend with our kids. We understand each other better and we learn so much about each other. Interestingly, children learn to confide their secrets and problems with a belief that you are a solution. When we merely spend time with them, we are just fulfilling our parental contract. We are unable to understand them and they are never going to trust you with their little secrets or problems. They are going to look at you as an unknown entity.
Shouldn’t you be the first to know if your child has a problem or secret to share? I guess any parent would like to be the first to know. To be the first to know is a right that cannot be commanded. You have to earn it – delicately and enduringly.
Sam’s kids would often run - off to their mother whenever they had a problem or a secret to share. Whatever the reason might have been, the children preferred airing their views and secrets to the mother. Margaret would then translate her children’s expressions to Sam. He, like any other responsible father, would listen attentively and provide all that he could do. However, on one occasion, Margaret found it difficult to explain to Sam her son’s secret. Her seventeen-year-old son had admitted to how he had began taking drugs after a chance discovery was made by his mother from his bed-room. Margaret knew the outcome if she shared her son’s new found habit with Sam. But she knew it was important and the secret had to be disclosed. Sam was disturbed that night. Not so much because his son had taken to drugs, but more because he had virtually become unknown to his kids. He began to ponder over the distance that was created from not being able to spend ‘quality time’ with them. He realized why his wife was the obvious choice for his kids to pour out their problems. He recognized the situation and decided to get things under control. Sam was also aware that if he did not realize the importance of ‘quality time’ on time, then it wouldn’t be long before his daughter opened up another Pandora’s box.
Time can be spent or earned. As much as you would expect to get something in return for the money you spend, the same yardstick can be applied for time. And whatever results you might expect to get out of time, depends on how much quality you have actually put into it. You spend ‘quality time’ with your kids and you will reap ‘quality results.’
To earn quality out of the time we spend with our kids, we need to get involved in whatever they are doing and let them be in-charge of the situation. We need to adapt ourselves to their environment. We need to provide them with more answers than questions. We need to respect how they do or say a particular thing and why at all they intend to say or do it that way. We need to allow them freedom of expression.
When you seek to earn quality out of the time you spend with your children, your kids begin to understand you better. Their questions are translated into solutions and they begin to trust and love you even more.
Very often in life children face rejection from their parents, who claim themselves to be very busy and don’t have time. They are sent away to boarding schools or a relatives place for procuring quality education. Do you think it really helps? Well I don’t think so. There are two reasons for this. The money you spend on a boarding school is basically a requisite for the education and activities the school imparts. There are no strings attached to this contract nor does the institution guarantee you a star at the end of the academic session. The other explanation being the reason of condition. Fees at school and favours at a relatives place keeps the lamp burning.
At home, you can guarantee yourself a star after a few months, if only you set aside excuses to commit yourself to gifting ‘quality time’ to your kids. And of course, there are no conditions of fees and favours to sustain the gift of quality time, every time you spend with your kids.
My kids were at a boarding school some five years ago. They were ecstatic in the first week. But this was not to last very long. Until one night, I was informed that my middle son, who was in class IV, had fled from the hostel. To confirm my worst fears, he was nowhere to be found even after the police conducted a thorough search. I feared that he might have been kidnapped. Early the next morning, we were overjoyed to hear that he had reached his grandmother’s place. He had walked almost nine kilometers at midnight.
What actually prompted him to take such a drastic step? Why would a mere ten-year-old walk almost nine kilometers and that too at midnight? These were some of the questions that baffled me for sometime. I withdrew my children and waited patiently for six months observing every action and behaviour of theirs and finally got all the answers I was seeking. They were too attached to their mother and this separation had perhaps them inconsolable. But I was to uncover something more important. And that is the ‘quality time’ my wife spends with them every evening that makes the kids want her even more. She had indeed won their trust and love with time. Is it our endeavor to impress and win over our kids with money and gifts alone?
‘Quality time’ nurtures belief and proximity. It is this belief and proximity that brings us closer to our kids than ever before. It is a relationship that is perpetual and celebrated. And who would not want to share or build such a relationship with their children?
noelmanuel@rediffmail.com
The writer is the Coordinator of the Northeast Region (Poetry Society of India) and Life Member of the Poetry Society of India. Journalist and Correspondent Eastern Panorama (News Magazine of the Northeast) Phonetics Teacher.
