Noel Manuel
Children are precious and invaluable. They are a bundle of energy waiting to explode at any given time and opportunity. They each possess an extraordinary talent and their achievement levels are extraordinarily high. We, as parents, teachers, relatives and elders have wonderful dreams for our families when we first see our children, whether they are born to us, given to us to educate, or when we are given temporary guardianship over them. But all too often the real world starts to get in the way as jobs, bills, schedules, to-do lists; tears and broken promises obliterate our vision of those dreams.
Sometimes I wonder, if we as elders really know and understand the definition of responsibility at all. All too often we simply focus on getting the job done here and now without really considering the far-reaching effects it has on our children.
At a school where I once worked, it seemed as though TIME was a commodity that was too precious to be spent with children. Ironically, I was to discover, that time seemed like a commodity only when the teacher was in the classroom. Otherwise, it was actually FREE when the teacher was imprisoned from the classroom.
Parents, on the other hand do not fare any better when it comes to spending time with children to impart the greatest quality and value called responsibility.
What does responsibility actually mean or rather how best can it be defined. I remember reading a book on the ‘10 Greatest Gifts’ and a passage on responsibility read something like this. “Being responsible means knowing how to take care of yourself. It means not asking silly questions that you could figure out on your own.” “Being responsible also means you can stay by yourself and your parents know you won’t mess up. They know you are trustworthy.” However, in my perception, I would define the gift of responsibility as giving our children the opportunity to take charge of their own lives. To take full responsibility of our circumstances and our future. To make intelligent decisions to live our lives with pride, fairness and dignity.
Responsibility is a fundamental quality that needs to be cultivated in each child, lesson by lesson, day by day, year after year.
My kids were sitting in the seat across from me on a train trip, playing and giggling between themselves. However, I noticed Kevin kept putting his feet up on the seat in front of him. I asked him to please not to do that, it may be bothering the lady in front of him. But, of course, he kept doing it, allowing me to think of him and own his problem.
I was ready to escalate into some pretty heavy-handed power struggles with him. Yelling seemed like an option as well as physically removing him from that seat. But we all know how much good that would have done. Instead, I approached him from the new parenting paradigm.
“Kevin, I said, “I just realized I was doing your thinking for you. You know about how you kept putting your feet up on the seat in front of you. I’m going to do that anymore. You’re in charge. What do you think would be the outcome of putting your feet up there? What do you think the people in the seats in front of you feel like with your feet up there? Why do you think it’s good to put your feet up there? Why do you think it may not be a good idea to put your feet up there? Once he’d weighed the pros and cons of his own answers the problem disappeared. His feet stayed on the floor while he went on enjoying the trip. Once again the high road of parenting cultivated a whole different set of qualities and values.
Ten-year-old Pete has certain chores to do each week including mopping the panes. He’s a very responsible young man, but some old parenting messages have created so much resistance that his natural sense of responsibility is fading. What messages? Although Pete has never failed to mop the panes each week, I constantly remind him: “Don’t forget to mop the panes the first thing in the morning on Saturday.”
“Why does he constantly tell me what to do before I even do it?” Pete asks plaintively. “I don’t mind doing my chores, but I hate getting reminded about them all the time. I know when I have to have them done, but I want to do them my own way.”
What are your reactions when a boss or your spouse or a friend constantly nags to you to do something you already know you have to do? Much like Pete, my 9-year-old son, I suspect the urge to resist and retaliate becomes overwhelming, obliterating your own natural sense of commitment and responsibility to do what needs to be done. Not only do you resist like most children do, you probably start labeling yourself as irresponsible and move towards that focus of irresponsibility.
A big part of the gift of responsibility, to me, is learning to make wise choices; the ability to make smart little choices inevitably leads children to trust themselves to make more important choices about the big issues in life, too. Plus imagine your own peace of mind as you know and trust your children to make the best possible life decisions for themselves.
I always feel sorry for the adults I know who still can’t enjoy a conversation with their parents. Take my friend Earnie, for instance. He is 29-years-old and his parents still treat him like he was five. They question everything he docs. ‘Why did you come home late last night?’ they’ll say, or ‘Are you sure that suit is the right color for you?’ they will ask him why he doesn’t stay at home during his off days and why he often gets up late. He knows they are really very good people and everything they did was to make him into a responsible adult, but how can he feel responsible if they arc to question every decision he makes. It’s gotten so bad that he hardly listens to them now and a sour relationship begins to blossom with phrases such as ‘stay off my back’ doing the rounds.
I saw my son’s sense of responsibility grow by leaps and bounds recently.
We went to a cycle store, where I promptly sat down on a stool. He reminded me to choose the bi-cycle that I had promised him for his birthday. He looked confused. Wasn’t I going to choose from among the bi-cycles that were available? No I wasn’t.
What I did discuss with him was how much I could afford for the bi-cycle and that his choice should remain within that budget. I sat back and relaxed. My son was delighted with the freedom to choose. I was delighted to see him compare bi-cycles, their colors, features. He finally walked out of the store with more than a bi-cycle, never noticing the intangible gifts of responsibility and wise choices and self-esteem he’d gotten, too.
Remember our kids need to know that, they can trust us with their secrets. It’s so easy when parents’ get-together to start swapping stories about silly and embarrassing things our kids have done. The adults think they’re cute anecdotes, but if the children were to hear us, they’d be mortified that we were exposing them to ridicule. We all want to trust our kids and they have to learn to trust us first.
Responsibility stems from trust. And trust is conceptualized in children in how we model ourselves to them through an environment of positive and not nagging messages. Remember children are learning every minute through your actions. They are going to act in the same manner you have portrayed before them. You fulfill your responsibilities before them and they will do the same. You fulfill your irresponsibility’s before them and you will be breeding a bunch of irresponsible children who would grow to be irresponsible citizens.
Listening is also very crucial to a child’s development of responsibility. Young children will often appear to be lying as they spin fanciful, elaborate tales. But in many instances, this is their truth, this is the way they see the world. Acknowledge their feelings, their creativity, and their talent for storytelling. It’s a great time to use some forward focus questions to find out what the child likes best about this story, what happens next, or what some other outcomes might be.
The teaching method is also equally essential. Instead of the usual ‘trap and blame’ questions we’re so accustomed to using, we ask questions to help our children accept responsibility and work towards solutions.
The old questions were ones like: what happened here? Who did this? Why did you do this? What’s wrong with you? The new ones are: How do you feel about this? What did you learn from this? What are some other options to deal with this? Who else has been affected? What do we need to do to solve this? What do you think the consequences should be?
Using this new paradigm, our focus will always remain on the positive side of the energy circle, and our messages reinforcing and empowering our children’s acts of responsibility - and we can discard some more bricks out of the parenting backpack.
